11 mar 02 mon « »
np/starlight mints:the bandit

-- ( why can't you get over this? how many years? seven? don't flatter yourself. the habit isn't flattery but the years are. ) --

last night i'd taken two vicoden and mike came over. i was happy to see him and decided to show him and he noticed.
completely.
he said, you're being so nice to me, usually you're mean to me and he was kidding of course but i said, what do you mean? this is how i always try to act around you but you're never receptive are you? well i didn't say that but i just kissed him and he was happy.
i don't know if he had to walk up to my house but anyway.. i want to be something nice for him to come home to. i want him to want to come here after work because he wants to be with me. (that's too domestic isn't it)

anyway, last night was nice, and languid. we took a shower together, nate and melanie were gone. not that i ever want them to leave, but it would have been a little weird, and rude, for he and i to shower together with them here.

i wonder why, specifically, he decided to cut down on drinking. it's so weird, and he's really sticking by it, from what i can see. in any case, it's good, and i hope he too sees it as such.

i'd called, yesterday, dennis and told him i was sick and he said i should stay home today so i took a pre-emptive sickie and was actually pretty okay today; i could have worked. but we've got a manager's meeting tomorrow early and i have to be well for it. so he told me to stay home. and i intended to get cleaning and stuff done today but here it is 6pm and i don't think i've done much of anything besides fawn on mike.
i noticed today that he's almost unbearably skinny. i hadn't noticed it before. his body looked perfect to me. but when he sat up in bed this morning getting dressed i was struck, i said, mike! you're too skinny! and he said, no, you always tell me i'm fine. and i said, yeah, you are fine but i never realised you were this skinny.
anyway.
that's all incidental.

not much today, but i let myself down on occasion after occasion, and my eyes hurt and if i have to be up at 7:30 for this meeting tomorrow i probably ought not to 'go bowling' tonight because i'm wheesy and the smoke will only make it worse, and i certainly have no intention of drinking. nor do i have any money to drink.
but otherwise. what will i do sitting here all night besides make myself poorer and poorer. and more miserable. but i ought to not go out, i oughtn't. i know it.

i ought to just. tend to my issues at home. sure, kohl's, i can do it. i don't want to nor ought i right this moment, but i can. i guess.

5:36pm