1 dec 02 11:35am « »
np/animals: oh lord..

i'm hungry.

i'm just trying to think about what life i want for myself.
there was a time when i was sure i wanted milwaukee. but a lot of things have influenced me since i was last a part of that scene -- a year ago, exactly.
i haven't been listening to music lately. no music at all, besides the oldies station and that's at work. so, there's a few bands i want to get records by, like on ebay, like the music explosion, spiral starecase, tommy roe's early stuff, late love generation, ivy league. i've finally got the merry go round 45, albeit for a price but i've got it upstairs nonetheless, the greatest song of the sixties, a rare gem and i've got it. but what i mean is i'm not into music as a representative title for myself.
i know it's a change, and i'm not sure it's a change for the better.. not only is it difficult for me to find myself now, i'm often hard pressed to keep myself company when i'm alone at home -- i know there's always something to do but damned if i can get up the interest to find it -- but i think the person peter would most enjoy is the girl i was before we moved to port. the girl who was stifled in west bend but still had heart.. who was lost in milwaukee but free.. and who, now in port, somehow is hiding or too miserable to speak i don't think i'm miserable here, but a part of me is. the part that longs for creativity and interesting, creative people to spend time with. the port part of me? is ready to settle down and finish school, get married and have babies.
sometimes i wonder if the milwaukee part of me is moving on, too far away now for me to catch up.
then i worry that i'll miss her terribly someday, because i already do, a little.

ben p called me the other night and invited me to his potluck party. i'm really not sure what it was in celebration of but i think it had something to do with him moving to minneapolis.. in a month.. to go be with manplanet, his new band. he's the blue guy.
if you'll remember, sometime last-last summer, in 2001, i went to see manplanet in minneapolis with .. shit who was it with.. jeremy, cotter, and we met up with andrea, my highschool crush girl. anyway it was the first time i'd seen manplanet, and the benjamins were opening -- this is when ben was still in the band -- and the bassist for manplanet had a freakish bass guitar with the tuning keys at the bottom, so the neck was just a bare stick at the top. ben chased me with it and i've got a picture of him with it and i hate it. anyway i've been told that the bass has since been replaced with a triangle bass. i'm curious to see this one. they're playing at the globe friday, my only day off, so i'm going to see them.

the party was last night. i worked at tripar until 10:20 then drove to milwaukee, to the house that ben&jon, vince&roommates, the a f t (that's a power pop band, i made a tambourine mix tape for one of the girls in it) and another girl with two dogs, all live in, split into 4 apartments. 2 up, 2 down. well i went to every one but vince's trying to figure out which one the party was at. and i found it, and said hi to ben who did his woman scream when he saw me. it was all good. i met one of vince's roommates, the girl who'd done the super great painting i saw when i visited vince a few weeks ago. she's great, with pretty blue eyes, a pale complexion and longlong black hair to the bottom of her back. jon gave me my chad&jeremy cd back, which he's had for a year and a half. i'm very surprised to get it back as most people who keep things for that long do so because they've lost them.
well we didn't do too much but ben knows how to play lots and lots of 80s rock songs, in point poison, supertramp and all that lot. it's impressive and disgusting.

i need to clean this keyboard.
i need to work at 2 so i will have to start cleaning soon.

anyway, some of us split up to see the response show at the globe. i know one fella from that band, mike, he's small and has red hair and he's very nice. so i wanted to go, and vince's roommate was going and ben, so it would have been worth $8 even though it was midnight and the show was mostly over. but i didnt have my i.d. with me, not my wallet at all so i went home. jon was back at the house macking on an extremely tall girl with black boots and a flowy dress that cut up both thighs. her name was piper and i wanted to sing, 'follow me, i'm the pied piper, can't you see..' but they were drunk with a blanket and that wasn't the place for me to stay.

i got home and peter wasnt there, he'd phoned twice, at midnight and midnight:20, and i got back about 20 minutes after that. he said he was going to don's, since i wasn't going to be home. i called don's before he'd gotten there, then he called me back when he did. he wanted off the phone real quick i could tell, and i felt jealous and sad. but i could hear his friends in the background so i knew he'd be staying over there. he probably felt stupid having to call me in front of all his friends, i can imagine they were saying, so she's got you whipped, the little woman checking in on you, etc. i can imagine that is the way guys razz eachother.

i went to bed sad and i had a nitemare, which i'm not sure if it's connected but every time peter stays someplace else and i sleep here alone, i always have a nitemare. this one wasn't a traditional nitemare but it was horrible for me.

i dreamt that i woke up, and the desk i type at was gone. the laptop was on the floor, and the cover was loose and it was shaken up but it was still there and i went into the kitchen and my table and chairs were gone. and upstairs, my desk, and downstairs, another desk-type thing, and my spindly wood chair.
two ladies came into the house and i said, what the hell are you doing in here? get out! this isn't your house! and one said, oh i'm from the realtors, don't you know your lease expires? would you like to renew? and i said, i've been robbed! look! don't you see? somebody came in and stole all of these things! how could they steal my table and chairs?!! those chairs were my absolute favourite, it took me three years to find chairs to match that table and it's gone now! and my desk, the perfect perfect desk i got for $5 at goodwill in sheboygan, gone! why did they leave my laptop, and take all those other things?
it was a big mess in my room, the one i'd slept in, and as i walked through it stepping on things that went crunch i said, how could they have been so quiet?! right here, i cried out. right here! while i slept! i wailed, partially out of personal distress and partially to dissuade the woman looking at the apartment from wanting to move in, because i wasn't ready to move out.
i said, and why did they leave my laptop!? (but when i woke up and pondered this i realised that if my brain were to convince itself, even in an unconscious state, that my laptop was gone, the one thing that holds ALL of the things i've written in the past three years, i would probably die right there, have a heart attack in my sleep and nobody would know what had happened to me when they found me. dead because my words were gone forever.)
my landlord showed up and i told him about luke and how he screwed us over, and he said, but he left this big stereo! it was massive, you know the new style of stereos now, they're like the side of a bluff, chunky and robot-looking? it was like that, only 4 feet tall and 6 feet long. hm, i said, alright but sorry for changing the lock, i just didn't want him to get in. he came and moved his things out while i was gone! who knows who else he gave the key to!

anyway, when i woke up the first thing i did was looked out toward the laptop desk and it was still there. and i was the most relieved i'd been in ages. hoo-wee.

well it's quarter past noon now. i've got things to do, a wily cat to feed, decorations to put up yet.
let me to on record and say that i love putting up christmas decorations. i love having a clean, orderly, beautiful house to decorate.
the end.