28 apr 02 sun « »
np/promise ring, 'my heart ski

i remember the days when i used to go, after work, to jalisco's with my laptop and drink cup after cup of scalded coffee, before i could work up my nerve to go to the theatre to visit peter and/or don. because it seemed like then, only after having spent one or even two hours writing to myself, getting weirded out on caffeine until things barely seemed real and the world was a joke at best, only then could i show up at the theatre and cavort around laughing and talking even if normally the silences or stares would scare me away
and how is it, tell me, that i've gone from there to saying, let's just stay in bed an hour longer, arms wrapped around me and i'm breathing into his neck, dreading ever speaking to don again because i've managed to take away his best friend over the course of a week
how did i get from there to here: last minute plans to hop out of bed for a 45 minute ride to an indian restaurant in milwaukee and back again, telling him don't don't cut his hair, please please -- tell me how we're listening to promise ring and i'm racking my brains to remember which cd the 'i'm glad you stuck around' song is on, because it's his song, from me
and he's given me one too, 'to the end' by blur and i say, 'i'll play you the french version once i find that old tape..' promising him it's loads more beautiful, if you can imagine that
and how did we get from there to here, sunk into amy's huge ikea couch and my eye's on him constantly watching liquor drained up to his ears, thinking, i'm not going to let him go like michael, i'm not going to let him end up that way, and it would surely kill me before it'd kill him
like my own: i know why, mostly, but i don't know how to stop it. not sure if he'd want to if i could. not sure if i could, myself. and it's been bad, lately. regular. i've almost come to accept it again, like a returning, nagging, old friend whom you wouldn't miss to leave, but can't quite get up the nerve to say, please go
it's my only secret. hopefully

last night, what? how do we do it? when he came round it took us a while to get to kmart.. i was afraid to leave the house for a while and thusly puttered and lost things and found them again. went to pick and save and got bloody mary provisions and last minute at kmart where i bought my socks. can't decide if i'm going to stay like this where i'm unhappy but persistent, or move on to less clutter and more lines and clean surfaces. but uncharted. can't decide if i want cold, clean feet or warm socks that stick to the floor. you have to figure this out before you stop spinning, i'm thinking, buy it now and you've got until fall to ponder. because choosing one would mean kissing the other good bye bye bye. i swear, and i know, because that's the only way i can work
thinking about how julie was going to finish school and find roommates when jen and will move out. how then she met brandon, and was going to move with him to the north side of milwaukee and they'd both go to school. drinking. how they found out she was pregnant and are now neither going to school or moving to milwaukee, but preparing, with carpeted floors and a job that isn't what she figured she'd be doing but has accepted this new turn in life like you can accept any surprise, like you have to accept it to keep yourself alive. thinking how you change your mind when you have to, and it's more okay than if you'd had any choice. and the thing about that is so life-defining that i'm wondering if i've been accepting enough to be happy. instead of fighting against things and promising for the future, how i need to either take everything off and just walk away, or stay here and stop fighting myself. the former is more terrifying, but the latter is less plausible
and if in that instance where you're cornered and immobile, how the choice is so easy to accept, if it is.. then? how can i make myself easier to live with? i know what i need to do but it's so hard and scary to work up the initiative
re: lying in bed with him. we woke up at 10 and got up at 2. his shoulders warm beneath his sweater. the softest hands i've ever touched, how could i want to leave? where will i find the nerve to want to ever leave? when i've got everything i need to be happy
i've got everything i need to be happy. why is it so hard to remember that?
please make it easier for me to remember that.

and i've got everything inside of me that i need because i can be warm and friendly, and calm and happy, and reassuring and gentle and thoughtful and i know what you must believe about yourself to be happy, and i know what you must believe about yourself to make others happy.
i need nothing else.

7:41pm