18 mar 02 mon « »
np/talulah gosh:escalator over the

last night julie and i went for coffee and i ended up getting french toast too. and ben was there and i wanted to hug him, cos i always want to hug him because he always looks small and sad, and greg and his girlfriend were there.
when he left he smacked julie on the back and patted me on the head. julie said, hey! what the hell do you think you're doing? why'd i get the smack? and i said, because you're loud and i'm quiet.
h ahaha. you've got to treat quiet people delicately or else they might blow up and not be so quiet.

i remember when stephanie had a crush on greg. no; that's not entirely true. i don't remember it so well, but going through my papers last night i found one of her old letters. i don't know when it was from but i'm assuming it's when he first started working at the gas station west on 33, and she'd go there and get free candy while he was working. i don't know much about that time or her place in it, because she and i weren't together much then, it was mostly little updates here and there.
but i can see how she might have had a crush on him. he's always got his sleeves real long over his hands. i think they've got thumbholes. that's cute. also it's cute when he laughs at something you say. because you always (okay. we're talking about me here, me) feel real happy that you said something clever and funny. i don't often, though. he's got a quiet nice appreciation for his friends. you can see it.

anyway. we went to walmart and i got bread, which i left in julie's car. then we got brandon. (which i did not leave in julie's car)
they're together now, you know. they live together. it's weird seeing brandon in a situation i've come to rely on as my own.. like him hanging out with julie and i, with the people that i know well.. because always before, in highschool, i never really knew any of those people, the group stephanie & i were sort of in and sort of not. i did something which wasn't notable to me, but was i think a big deal to them and they got mad at me and stayed mad at me. i always thought so, anyway, which made me more shy and quiet than i'd been in the first place. also -- well it doesn't matter. in any case, i never knew brandon and now he's buying me drinks and rolling cigarettes across the counter to me and riding in the car with me just about every other day.

julie and i said to ben, come with us to cornerstone, we'll get some green beer.
but when we got there, there wasn't any green beer and ben never showed up. so brandon julie and i played pool with one of ryan's disaffected friends, only this kid isn't nearly as great as ryan, he's older, and one of his friends. frank and Man X. and Man X would would would not not not leave me alone. no. no he wouldn't. and i might have atleast been physically attracted to him, a little bit, (he had those eyes..) if he wasn't such a complete dumbass. i was being polite, and rebuking gently when his flirtation would include touching me, but i have to admit. i'm terrible at dealing with flirtation because it nearly never happens to me.
and i try to think of what julie would do (julie was playing pool with her boyfriend and not even meeting my gaze of dismay and desperation) but all i could think she would do was keep talking to him and maybe -- well not rebuke.
but i have a hard time of it. being firm, but polite, serious but not condescending. all i know how to do is go along with it, or be unpleasant and direct. or maybe he was too drunk for "firm but polite". he said to me, you're just not very receptive to flirtation, are you? and i said, '..well, you see, i'm just not.. i mean i don't really -- i'm not looking for --' and so on. yes, here i am, miss-communication america, here to confuse and encourage!

eventually i just left. we weren't far from my house, and i wanted away because he wasn't letting up. pity. but i needed to go home. it was late.

8:46pm