6 mar 02 wed « »
np/cornelius:free fall

ooh. that howard hello cd came in today. i'm going to have to pick that up. it's a guy from thingy in that.

i can't wait until until.. i mean if donato and i could get together, get to kurt's somehow and spend like a weekend -- i wonder if he'd be able to do that -- spend a weekend recording at kurt's house. or not even recording. just.. whatever. i mean we'd have the optigan, he can play guitar and i could probably get melanie's xylophone. i have the tambourine thing, you can do lots with household things.. i think that it would be really fun for us to just get together and make a few songs, no matter how mediocre it sounds. it might be really fun. i've got songs that i've written, i mean just lyrics but i know how i want them to go and if i can convey this to the people i'm working with i think we could have a handful of really fun poppy clever songs. plus it would be fun to hang out with donato. we get along so well, i don't know if he's really interested in the kind of music that i am... i mean i know he likes indie stuff but i'm not sure how he'd take the whole indie pop style. but christ. who couldn't get into dancing around with tambourines making cute pop music? christ.
so, maybe next week. we wouldn't have a way to get there, cos although donato does have a car, he doesn't have a license. and although i .. i don't have a license or car. anymore. so we wouldn't be able to get there. but if we could.. it would be very fun. maybe i can get julie to drive us.
i can ask her if she'd like to come over for a night, like friday night maybe, her and brandon and kurt and nate and melanie and peter, don and some theatre boys, i wonder, but then they could all leave like in the morning or whatever, and donato and i could stay the weekend on and make music. it sounds fun.
no, i think he'd like it. he's cute anyway. donato is an adorable character. i wonder if he could sing. i mean you know what? i bet he could. i bet he could sing indie pop really well. i can imagine him duplicating the vox of aden, or true love always, to a blimmin' T. of course, i can't sing myself, but i will, but i think for girls to sing they've got to be exceptional and sweet, and i'm neither (probably too much death metal, cigarettes and whisky, possibly). but i can try, and i'll do it if need be. i think melanie can sing. she'd like to be in a band like that i think. i think she can play keyboard. it would be really fun and it would be fun to play shows.
ahem.
hem hem.
and i know we could do it, i know if i got together with people we could make pop music because it's fun, it's simple, and it's easily likeable.

friday is two days away. the mountain goats are (is? it's only one guy, but i don't know about touring..) playing at.. i think the empty bottle.
oh my god. how long have i been waiting to see them? either i'd be too young, or too carless, or two out of the country to go. for years. when did i first hear them? 98. four years! over four years ago. and for as much as i lov ethem, i've never seen them live. i've always wanted to; it's like neutral milk hotel. i was supposed to see them on two seperate occasions but it never worked out. snow song II?? everything is?? i would die to see them live.. or i would have. i haven't listened to them in a while. i bet though that if they were playing nate would go with me. he'd never let me drive again though, from that time i freaked out the night of the grandaddy show.. driving down there, we're going to be late, we're going to be late and this fucking traffic! i'm going to get out and strangle them all!! and so on.
well poor nate.

anyway, they're not refilling my coffee here, and it's not like it's a big deal because i'm the only one in the freaking store, and i always leave like a two dollar tip. but i'm not going to anymore. i mean not like i'm going to punish them but it's not so hard really? when you know you're going to get a pretty good tip? or maybe i ought to get a mother freekin' burrito, i don't know. i'm not really hungry, plus i promised myself i wouldn't buy food from a restaurant for a week, which i broke the day i began the promise.
it smells like b.o. i n here. i hope it isn't me, because i took a shower last night. and put on deodorant this morning. so there.

well when i get home melanie and i are going to clean the house. i have no plans for tonight, and although i'm sure i'd really rather go hang out with peter or something, i don't think i ought to even call; even if he'd give me a ride home, even then. i think i should just go straight home and clean because it'll make life easier for all of us. it really will. anyway, cleaning is fun. i just don't feel like walking home yet, in these shoes, in tights in the winter. not quite yet;.. i've got to get a bit more caffeinated.

boy i sure do hope the check comes, the workmans comp check, before the 10th cos that's the day they cash the rent checks and i'm like $45 short, which i souldn't be but i am (cut the debit card up.) but, but.

oh, the lady called this morning and wants me to go to the hospital to sign this release form so they can see the mri and xrays at mequon. i have to get a physical. (make an appointment with planned parenthood, shall we? first? wouldn't that be a hoot and a holler if i was pregnant??) and she said the date of my operation is april 16th. she called while i was in bed, and scrambling to get the stupid phone hooked to the wall so i could use the cordless while mike's hugging me and kissing on my neck, and i'm trying to deal with this condescending bitch who works at dr karr's office, who didn't even tell me i was supposed to have those things signed..
christ. anyway, i hung up and told mike an dhe said he'll go with me for the operation. i said, it's three hours long. and he didn't say anything. i wonder if he cares that much, or it's just something he feels he should. do. .. i think that's probably it. well anyway, i said, i've got to stay overnight in the hospital, you should stay with me.

i wonder what it's going to be like. i'm not scared; i've accepted that if i die, it was meant to happen and i can't do anything about it, certainly not worry. and if it's a bunch of pain, well i can handle that. i can sure handle pain. i'm not scared, i'm not nervous. the only thing that makes me a little nervous is breathing in the gas that makes you fall asleep. i wonder what it'll smell like. car exhaust? hospital? fruit? chloraseptic, the stuff you spray on your throat if you've got a sore throat? that would be the worst.
i mean, i refuse to go scuba diving because i don't want to breathe out of air in a metal container. i don't like breathing in anything claustrophobic, including paper bags, under the covers, and under a towelf acing a bowl of steam, which i've never done but i've heard it's good for your skin or something. or your lungs. something. anyway, no, i'm not scared. there's nothing to be scared about. recovery? pshaw. that's nothing.
i won't be able to work for two weeks after, while i'm recovering. 'recovering'. it certainly can't be as bad as those weeks right after i hurt my back. it can't be as bad as trying to jog and realising you physically can. not. do it, and will. not. be able to do it through any recovery means of my own. it's not as scary as thinking that i might not be able to do back flips some day.. i might not be able to even do kartwheels. that's horrifying. backbends. i can't even imagine it.

yes i do want a burrito.

i'll make it up to him. i will.
(christ. i did last night. this morning. christ.)

yesterday was fun. i didn't feel like walking home and my dad's got this thing now where he won't give me a ride unless i buy him a pack of cigarettes each time. well it's cheaper to take a cab, so nevermind. that's kind of mean but it is his car, and his time so i have absolutely no grounds to complain. anyway, so i sat at exclusive for an hour, went to the bank, stuff. boring stuff. then i called julie and woke her up and said i was coming over.
we went to .. where did we go? oh omicron, where jason and paul and paul's daughter were. we had coffee and i broke my promise by getting chicken dumpling soup, which wasn't as good as it should have been. it bothers me that they colour the broth this sickly shade of yellow to.. make it look more chickeny? then we went to goodwill and i found this fun outfit i'm wearing right now. a calf-length plaid skirt: brown, white, black, blue, grey. and this sleeveless shirt, and a little french hat. what are they called? a beret.
i mean it was $10, but still. it's so cute! although not too practical to walk a mile and a half in home from work, i must admit.

i want a burrito now. officially.

hm. i have to remember to get quarters before i go. because i need to do laundry, and i'm having mike bring his laundry over. i'm going to wash every blimmin' thing i've got, and if it's already clean i'm going to hang it up or fold it and put it away. mike's got a drawer at my house, in my dresser. the top one. i dug through elliot's old stuff, things he didn't want and left here in a convenient two huge fucking cardboard boxes which have been taking up lots of room in nate's room for so long, i went through them one morning with mike an dhe found enough to consolidate the two boxes into one. so i've got a box of stuff of elliot's which he doesn't want, but i don't know what to do with. see i keep clothes and stuff around instead of giving it to goodwill, in case i come across anybody who wants it. i mean any of my friends.
brandon! the stuff mike didn't want i can ask brandon if he wants! !!good idea!!
i should call julie. maybe i'll walk over there.

i want a burrito. my stomach growled. i want another cup of coffee too or i'll walk into traffic. asleep on my feet. well.

we're going to clean! yes! tonight! and if i can get ahold of julie, i can get her to give me a ride home and send her away with abox of clothes for brandon to look through. and i'll have given him clothes, and gotten myself a ride home! tadaa! plus getten rid of another freekin' box.
oh how good it's going to feel to have my house cleared of clutter i do not need. which is arguably a lot. quite a lot. infact, half of my existence is marred by these bulky inconvenient boxes of stuff i refuse to get rid of. some of it boxed up yet from when i was living in milwaukee, when my dad just swept his arm across my desk, through the drawers and dumped the whole lot into a few boxes. i still haven't gone through that. that's over four years ago. bad bad bad! i'm too young to be saving things for years! things which i don't even remember i own! if i haven't thought of any use for it in the past year, then By Law i ought to not even have it.
yes.
course i mean there's some other stuff, like, all the papers i've got, those i have to keep. and all the little memoirs stuff, from trips and that. i'd like to make a scrapbook of my travels. i've been a lot of places. the hum tours. washington dc to see tb stars.

see, when i was younger, my freakin' dream was to discover old diaries. memoirs. something somebody had written long ago, when they were my age. and by the tim ei got to them they'd be as old as my grandma and i'd find them and get to be friends with them and they'd sit for hours telling me about their life an dgrowing up. that's what i've always wanted. and since i t never happened to me i think i've always sort of had it in the back of my mind that i'd write for somebody else, someday.
so this is it.

i think julie actually is working a double shift today. bugger. well i'll stop in anyway.

i hope that when i have a child, someday, i'll have the money, time, and dedication to make my own babyfood. i don't like the idea of buyin gstuff in little jars from a grocery store.

maybe somebody will be in the theatre by the time i get out of here. i can't believe this thing hasn't shut off yet cos like 15 minutes ago it said i only had 10 left. hm. now it sais i've got 12. i don't think it can make up it's mind, is what i think.

anyway, we went to goodwill and then to julie's house to try on clothes for like a half hour. it was fun. whenever we get started there's no stopping us because we'll try and discard more things than humanly possible in a half hour. it's fun.
we were going to stop by don's, or peter's, whoever was home, possibly both of them, but didn't have time so we went straight to weiland's.
it was okay. mike and jason and mystery boy who was pretty cute and incredibly thin, and trent and josh, the boy who wants to go to scotland, and em.. i dunno. they were there. julie sat and talked with brandon and i wish i'd have had a camera cos i could see them beneath this shelf, from the bowling area and it woul dhave been SUCH a fucking cute picture. oh such.

i was pretty bored, and i didn't want to drink (what is WRONG with these people? how can they get drunk two nights in a row? i can't do it, i'll get sick and tired and nauseous and i just CAN'T do it!) so i had jason take me home, and the boys had dumpstered some chips from aldi and we ate them. jason got a high score, he even beat mike's: 216. he got four strikes in a row, and two spares on either side of that. i, for one, was suitably impressed. mike's high was 211.
bowling is not fun. trent was bowling and he didn't want to go another game, an di didn't either but said i would. so i threw four balls, two rounds or whatever you call them and took the shoes right back off and sat down, and said, i'm done. this isn't fun. this is stupid and boring.
i'm sorry: i. do. not. like. bowling. how can i help it that the $5 pitchers and all my friends are there? if not for that i'd have never set foot in there in the first place.

: i hope julie's at work. or at home. i mean, i can walk. i can. i just.. i'm too lazy. i'm too spoiled.
damn me. plus i don't know that i'll have much energy when i get home, to clean the house. i mean it's not a big walk, it only takes a half hour but it is almos tentirely uphill, a big hill, and i'm kind of winded by the time i plod up the steps.
the sooner i get home though the sooner i can see if my w.c. check is in. oh please please. let it be $50, atLEAST. okay okay. i'm going now.

wait.. jason dropped me and mike off and mike just assumed that he was staying at my house and said when do you work in the morning? i said 12, and he said good because i have to be up. and i said, when? he said before 12. i didn't mind, and i kind of appreciated the assumption like any dumbass would.

4:16pm