10 mar 02 sun « »
np/replacements:nevermind

coughing, wheesing, blowing my nose all. the. time., aching limbs, sneezing, you name it. misery. my teeth hurt, and normally they only hurt if i don't brush my teeth. not like a cavity.. they hurt like they're going to fall out, by the gums. my jaw gets really tight, so much that it feels like when you go to the dentist and he gives you that shot to numb your mouth? that feeling, of the needle going into your gums.
it's not like that anymore, but it was terrible last night, driving home from chicago, all the way through most of the night. tetanus, indeed, that's what i used to think, when that used to happen when i was on ritalin for my add. i think it's a nervous thing, i think i'm somehow responsible for it, something subconscious. super tense. awful.

michael just called and sais he's coming over after work.
now that i think of it, the last time, before thursday, he left my house conspicuously, julie was there that night too. and i'm not sure if it was semi-unfamiliar company in general or julie in particular, but that's the reason he gave to me tonight.
i'd forgotten. thursday. when brandon and julie were over and i didn't know if i should stay home with mike, or go to the preview at the theatre of time machine, or go out with brandon and julie because obviously i couldn't do all three.

actually all i want is orange juice and other miscellaneous antioxidants. i wonder if mike would get me a head of garlic and some fresh spinach and a container of orange juice. i don't think he has much more money than i do though. i'm such a bother to friends. i don't know how they can put up with it, but really i don't mean it. i really don't.

but thursday he got his things together as we were sitting there and he's like, i'm leaving. and i looked at him, like, 'don't do this. please.' and 'what the hell?!' but he's like, i need to find so-and-so to give me money for rent.
and then as soon as he left julie started in on him and i'm just sitting there staring into space and she's like, i take back everything i said. jaime, he's an asshole. what, he can't even say two words, he just sits there not saying anything? i'm sorry, but you can do a whole fucking lot better than that. i don't know why you do this to yourself! etc etc etc.
and i didn't say anything, because generally i don't like to talk about it, or my feelings in general with people (i know that's not good, i know), i said nothing and just moved around cds and ate chips and changed the subject.

later, about a half hour later, and a drink or two later, i allowed myself a 'he makes me so mad' but that's all, and that started julie up again a little but i dodged the subject and that was that. i'd said my piece, granted it wasn't nearly what i needed to say but i don't even know what i need to think so i can't be expected to just say it. comprehensively.
i just needed to let them know i'm not taking everything blindly and mindlessly, that it is bothering me, that i am aware of what's going on -- but also that i'm being tolerant, and understanding, and i'm not about to run away from this and forget about it. forget about him.

but tonight, when he called. why is it him?! why can i think of nobody but him when he's the least likely? when he seems like the last person anybody would expect me to be with.
he phoned tonight and i was happy to talk to him. i'd phoned him at his parents' earlier, sitting sickly and unhappy on my grandma's couch while everybody went around and did happy birthday things, i phoned him there cos that's the only place i can phone to talk to him, apart from his work. and i got stevie, and she said he was asleep (it's hard to talk to her, to understand what she's saying because she tends to talk away from the phone, and cutely quietly, she's 7). then stepdad-jim got on the phone and said mike had just gone to bed an hour ago (at like.. i dunno, 12pm? 1?!) and he has to work at 4.. anyway he gave mike the message and he called just now.
i remembered that i was mad at him from walking out on julie brandon and i -- i tend to do that -- mostly mike .. if i'm mad at someone and don't see them right away i forget that i was mad and carry on like nothing. then i remember and say, heeey -- i was mad at you.. even if i had a legitimate reason to be angry, i still can't get too on their case without looking like an asshole.
anyway. he said he's lately been liking julie less and less. he said she's a slut. he said he'd talked to will, her roommate, and will said that since she's been living there she's had-- well. number.
okay, i said, suspiciously, '#? are you sure #?'
and mike said, that's what will said.

i can't believe will would say something like that about her. he's a really nice guy. anyway, it's a possibility; she's like that. but i'm hoping that now, with brandon.. maybe if they can stay together.. i know he was with jenny s. for a very long time, over a year i bet and julie really really likes him. maybe this is it! maybe this is the one who will change her wayward ways, get her to stick with one guy for a long time. hopefully he won't break her heart, and she won't break his.

he said, i just don't like her. and i agreed, somewhat, i could maybe see his point.. she has a habit of dominating the conversation, but i get used to that, and i don't have much to say really anyway. she's fun, you know wherever julie is you'll have a good time, and she'll try to make sure of it. that's very good of her.

anyway he's coming over. he said he's coming over tonight and i'm going to go sit on the couch and wait for him. i put up a new light in my livingroom, one that i got at an estate sale with kurt, and it's nice.
i cleaned for about an hour, my room, getting things together to go to goodwill, letting melanie look through them. i'll have julie over one of these nights too, she can go through it before i drop them off. she might find some stuff in there she likes.
my room's not completely clean, by any means, but when i told mike on the phone i was going to clean he just laughed, didn't say anything.

6:36pm