4 mar 02 mon « »
np/am/fm:no secrets

well -- last night, after don's house. michael came over. i asked if he wanted some sparkling grape juice. i mean. who can say NO to sparkling grape juice? he was being distant and bored and boring, and not wholly unpleasant but not -- well he was pretty much acting himself i guess.
yeah. i think it's about time to think about moving on. i need more than he's willing to/can give. and that's the bottomest line of them all.

so i called julie and complained a little bit, but trying to not sound like i wanted her to feel sorry for me, or that i feel sorry for myself, which i don't on either count because it's entirely my fault, and i completely knew what i was getting into every step of the way. all of it. i just didn't care.
because, yeah, i do love him. i do, and i'm/was willing to give everything. do anything for him. i really would. like, him before me, always. so i get in trouble? so what, that's my problem, atleast he's happy. so i am miserable sometimes? so what, i'm helping to make his life a little bit easier. SO?!
but i need SOMEthing more .. i mean i need that occasional look, that just-between-us look, occasionally, is that so much? things like that. little things. that's practically all relationships mean to me, that's all i need to be completely happy: little things.

and you know what, with scott? that was really good. there were little things. the kisses were the kind that make you sure it's right.
but then there were BIG things wrong with that. which i'm not going to get into because i've gotten into it all before. regarding scott.
however i'm not going to believe that only people who believe what scott believes are going to do that for me; it was proof enough that they're OUT there, and that it IS possible. something.
but not him. someone almost like him. not mike. someone almost like him.

he didn't say anything when we went for coffee and practically the whole time julie was off picking up brandon, mike and i hardly said a word and i realised that this isn't his situation. and i wished i could come up with a topic that i could keep up with, that would make him interested enough, make him want to talk about it.
and i know the people who can do that, and i'm not one of those people.
and afterward, julie asked if we could all go to my house and i said okay, but i was really rather wishing i could just go to bed, but we went anyway and it was fun.

( -- i remain convinced - and i'm utterly confused as to why but it's not a problem. i just try to not meet his glance as often as i might, i try to stay hidden from his view because when our eyes meet there's that thing and i don't like to think about that. because i'm not like that. or atleast i'd like to remain convinced that i'm not like that. i wonder if. and i'll deny it to my death. -- )

then they left and mike and i went to bed like normal and he told me he loves me and i said, no you don't. just flat out and i know he doesn't. and he said, why do you think that? and i said, i don't think it, i know. and if he'd have pressed further i'd have given the strongest proof i've been able to find in any relationship.
it's not there, in his kiss. if he loved me i could tell by his kiss but it's not there. and i can accept that, i can accept that i'm not what he's looking for because i knew it back in summer already.
i knew it, that although i was a perfect girlfriend i wasn't that for him. that although he was that for ME, there were things i couldn't do, characteristics i didn't possess, lord knows what he IS looking for but i'm not it.

so, i can accept that. and move on. try to move on, and try to remember how and why this didn't work, so that i might not do it again.

well this morning i made nate late for his interview. i left mike listening to lazer 103. they were playing linkin park. the 'watch you burn' song. i happen to really like it.

4:34pm